Personal

How I Stay Creative

| Suzi Stamp
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Being Creative

I’d love to say that I’m always creative and have ideas going round in my head all the time, but like all energies, the creative energy that generates ideas ebbs and flows as unpredictably as a river after a heavy rain.  I have days, weeks, and rarely, months, where I seem to be forever creating and crafting and the ideas seem to keep on coming at me, but I also have times where my ideas and passion for creating seem to dry up and shrivel away to nothing.

In the past, staying creative was easy – university provided me with loose themed projects to work on, our own interpretation of the topic was hugely encouraged.  It made thinking about topics and things to do incredibly easy, in some ways it took that ability away from me.  I found it easy to come up with creative ideas when there was a topic presented to me.  We had group chats about our work and the direction we wanted to go in with our projects along with feedback from our peers and lecturers.  We focused on research, trial and error and then the final outcome.  Having other persons input into our ideas really helped.  But now I’m alone and away from group discussion, the onus is on me to continue with being creative.

After I finished university I had this itch to continue to make things but had no real idea of how to start and what to do with this energy inside me.  I had very little skill in knowing how to use this energy and formulate it into solid ideas.  I dealt with it in the worst way possible.  I sat and did nothing, letting this feeling fester and then wither.  While I did continue to take photos and create other bits and pieces here and there, it was nothing like having a project and something to really focus on.

And then the fear started to creep in.  Fear that what I was doing wasn’t good enough, fear that what I was producing didn’t have a point, fear that my ideas were limiting my work and without discussing my ideas and getting feedback and opinions that my work wasn’t somehow validated.  So I stopped.  I stopped creating, I stopped thinking, and I felt like I had lost a part of me.

What really got me back into creating and being creative was social media, I found some Instagram accounts that I liked, I joined Facebook groups where my interests were embraced and where people shared their work with others.  And I slowly started to re-gain confidence in myself and my ideas.

Now, to stay creative I read articles that are related to my interests, I read blogs about crafting and art, I follow lots of Instagram accounts that are working in a similar way to me, and I research skills I’d like to learn.  There are so many craft ideas pages, tutorials and step-by-step instructions on the web that have helped me to.  Lots of the big hobby stores have pages of ideas to read about too, which help.

I keep a notebook of ideas, my phone holds lots of web links, I have saved articles on my pc and I am subscribed to websites that email projects I may be interested in that I can refer to when I hit a wall which helps me to overcome an “artists block”.  I have realised that I don’t always need the guidance of others to help me create and I follow my own set of rules.  I no longer care whether what I create has a point, means something or whether others will like or understand it.  I create for me.  That’s how I stay creative.

 

Mental Health and Me – An Update

| Suzi Stamp

I wrote about my anxiety/panic attack around a week ago and since then I have re-visited the Dr.  I spoke in my last update, (back in November), about how I wasn’t sleeping very well.  This is still an ongoing issue.  A lot of the time I feel too awake to sleep and yet to asleep to be fully awake, it’s affecting my thoughts and reaction times, my emotions, mood, energy levels and levels of motivation.  And if I’m honest, it’s really starting to piss me off.

I have spoken to the dr’s that I have seen about not sleeping, the first thought that upping my dosage of sertraline from 50mg to 100mg per day would help, the second one spoke about sleep hygiene and other lifestyle things (like no caffeine of an evening…), the 3rd dr I saw said it was likely due to the increase in my medication and to just “hang in there” and as my body gets used to the dosage then my sleep should return.  And it felt like no one was really listening to me, like they were all offering ideas and things but nothing to really get to the root of the problem.

You see, I don’t drink coffee of an evening, in fact, I now really only have 1 or 2 cups a day and that is in the morning, I go to bed when I’m tired, my room isn’t too hot or cold, there is a supply of fresh air into the bedroom, its dark enough in my room, its quiet enough, I don’t watch tv or play games before I go to bed, I don’t have harsh lights on in the bedroom… I’ve tried having a warm bath before bed, a hot shower, a warm drink (like herbal tea or hot choc), I’ve tried leaving all the house lights off as its getting dark and going to bed when the natural light has faded, I’ve tried essential oils, Ive tried meditation, reading, not reading, just lying there doing absolutely nothing, and still I can’t sleep.  And when I do sleep, it’s either a few snatched hours here and there or I lose a whole day because it’s almost like I have passed out from lack of sleep to the extent where I will sleep through alarms and my phone ringing.

And so, the last doctor I saw, a few days ago, sort of bore the brunt of my frustrations, maybe because I had been awake for 2 days straight, but I think it was more to do with being so frustrated with not being able to sleep, and I told her exactly how I was feeling.  I want to go back to work, emotionally I’m feeling a lot better than I was, but how can I return when I’m not sleeping which means I can’t think straight, have this awful brain fog a lot of the time, end up sleeping through whole days and just can’t seem to do anything without it taking a lot of concentration and planning to do so.

And she was lovely.  She really seemed to understand where I was coming from and all the intricacies involved with not sleeping and we went through several ideas to try, as well as referring me to therapy to see if we can overcome this problem.

I’ve got until the end of the month off, the doctor said that it would give the therapy team a chance to sort an appointment (or appointments) out for me and hopefully I can return to work in february.

I left the drs feeling a bit of relief that my lack of sleep was being taken seriously by someone.  The other drs, though they had been good, I don’t think that they had really understood how not sleeping was making me feel or even quite how bad it has become.  And in all honesty, I feel that it was down to me and not explaining it to them well enough for them to understand that it’s not just a case of not sleeping every now and again, that it’s a constant thing that is getting worse as time goes on.

So, I’m feeling a bit better with the outcome and just have to wait for an appointment to be made with the therapist and see what happens then.

What I Did – How I Celebrated The New Year

| Suzi Stamp

Happy New Year!  I hope you all had a good evening seeing out the old year and welcoming the new one in.  And I hope you all had a lovely first day of the year too!

I celebrated the arrival of the New Year with my neighbour drinking prosecco and cassis then singing Auld Lang Syne at the top of our voices in her front room before we came back to mine and sat talking and drinking far too much Eggnog!

When I woke on New Years Day I got up and started to prepare veg for lunch as I’d invited my Mum, Dad and brother (Richard) up for food.  I cooked mashed potatoes, roast potatoes, broccoli, maple roast parsnips, peas, carrots, stuffing, yorkshire puddings and a quorn roast.  Richard is allergic to mycoprotein so I cooked him a sweet potato and spinach nut roast.

I had already set the table the day before and added a scented candle to each place setting that I had made (Mum’s was Baby Powder fragranced, Dad had a Sticky Toffee Pudding one while Richard and I had a Fresh Linen scented one).  I used fairy lights to dress the table and a candle stick that I had bought from Ikea.

For starters I served beetroot and spinach burgers, which had a vegan cheese middle, on a bed of salad with a vinaigrette dressing.  For dessert I served a vegan chocolate Torte with soya squirty cream.  Mum bought up a bottle of wine which we shared and we also had Belvior Raspberry Presse.

Once we had eaten we all sat and chatted, Dad and I had coffee that I made in my french press (Hot Lava Java coffee – yum!)

Once everyone had gone, Roxy and I had a little snooze then I got up and started working on some artwork for the 64 Million Artists January Challenge that I had signed up to after Christmas!  The challenge is to create a piece of artwork based on prompts that are emailed to you daily for the whole of January which you can then upload to social media using the #TheJanuaryChallenge.  If you are interested in signing up then click here.

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Why I Don’t Care for Modern-Day Self-Care

| Suzi Stamp

You only have to search the likes of Instagram and Pinterest for self-care and you are met with a barrage of posts about hair care, exercise, make-up, face masks, luxury bath products, fashion, jewellery and all sorts of other things that to me are less about self care and more about “treat yo’ self”.  It’s all sorts of flowery, feel good stuff that in itself is fine but is not really what self care is all about.

There are loads of self-care journals on the shelves now too, many giving writing and creative prompts for you to fill in as and when you choose.

And while these things can help us feel good about ourselves and assist in feeling happier and more positive on a day-to-day basis, they don’t really address the issues we face when we have mental health issues.

When you are in the pits of a mental health illness (for me that would be anxiety, stress and depression) disorder/illness/issue the last thing on your mind can be to pick up a journal and write or create.  Your only instinct is to survive and get through the episode and out the other side.  Housework, basic hygiene, eating and even sleep cease to be important and having someone tell us to take a bath with a luxury brand product is not helping in any way, shape or form.  When it is too much effort to even get out of bed and make a drink and see to our basic needs this is where I have to disagree with modern-day self-care.

I read something, a list of self-care “tips” when I had my anxiety attack the other day which gave really “helpful” advice such as “Get more sleep” and “Have a deep and meaningful conversation”, “light a scented candle”, and even “Close your eyes and rest for 5 minutes” and I got really angry.  If I could get any more sleep I would, trust me.  I have tried and failed and having some poncey list telling me that this will help just infuriates me.  As does the advice to have a deep and meaningful conversation, for me, when I am in desperate need of self care, talking to someone, let alone having a meaningful conversation is laughable, I just want to be left alone.  Lighting a scented candle, when I’m having a period of anxiety just magnifies the anxiety I already have so that really isn’t helpful.  And I’m sure whoever came up with “Close your eyes and rest for 5 minutes” has never experienced stress or anxiety or any other condition where being able to rest would be great if we could totally unplug our brain and our racing thoughts.

And then I started thinking about what self-care really is, it’s about being a friend to yourself, the best friend, the one who tells you, honestly, that you stink and forces you to take a shower, wash your hair, brush your teeth or do the washing up.  I’ve been there, and I have had no care for washing, brushing my hair or teeth, staying in pyjamas that I’ve been wearing solidly for a week, having no energy or motivation to do anything except lay there and avoid everything.  And I’ve been the one that has forced myself to go and shower, and it may have taken me an hour but I’ve done it, and, do you know what?  Just that simple act of standing under running water and getting clean has helped me feel a teeny bit better.

So, heres some advice.

Eat regularly, don’t worry if its healthy or not, even if it’s a bag of crisps or a few haribo at least you have eaten something.

Drink.  Water is the easiest.  Set an alarm on your phone and try to take a few sips through the day.

Brush your teeth.  Just this small act has made a huge difference to how I have been feeling.

Tackle one task at a time…if the bins are full then empty them.  If the sink is full then take your time and wash everything.  If the counters are grubby then clean them.

Change your clothes, if not everyday then at least every other.  It really feels like the greatest accomplishment.

Force yourself to shower or bath, even if its only 10 minutes, it will help.

Self care isn’t about long baths, lie ins, scented candles, journals or anything like that.  It’s about existing and really getting to the root of the problem, being your own best friend and doing what is best for you.  So, sorry to all you modern-day self-care lovers, but that stuff aint working for me when I’ve hit a real low.

Anxiety/Panic Attack

| Suzi Stamp

I woke up, I’ve been in bed, sleeping since around 11:30, it’s 3am now. I woke up unable to breathe or move, my heart racing, shaking and feeling really panicked but I don’t know why. I mean, I do know why, it was an anxiety/panic attack, but I don’t know why it happened. I’m still feeling shaky now but my heart rate has come back down to normalish, and I can breathe again. It was probably the worst one I’ve had. I feel like I need to turn on all the lights on the house and get up. I need a glass of squash, juice or anything but I’m not feeling up to doing that just yet…. and I’m writing this here because everyone I know is asleep and I don’t want to worry them, but I feel that writing it down will maybe stop it from happening again. My jaw is aching where I’ve been grinding my teeth in my sleep and I’ve managed to catch my tongue at some point which now feels really uncomfortable in my mouth 😐 and I’ve got a bit of a headache (though I’m not sure if that’s residual from yesterday). And I don’t know what to do, I’m too awake to attempt to go back to sleep and worried that it will happen again. Maybe getting up is a good idea?

What I Did – How I Celebrated Christmas

| Suzi Stamp

Roxy and I got up super early on Christmas day more because I’d gone to bed at 9:30 the night before rather than down to excitement.  I made a coffee then we started to open the pile of presents that Sam had left for us.

 

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Roxy waiting patiently to open the presents
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My gifts from Sam

After we had opened our presents I finished of the gifts for my niece and nephew and packed the gifts to take to Mum and Dads.

At 7:30 I started to get ready to go to Mum and Dads, first I tonged my hair and clipped it up to set then got dressed and did my make up.  While I was finishing my makeup Dad text and said I could come down when I was ready.

I left the house at 10 after packing the car with their presents but had to turn round whan I was half way there as I had forgotten my medication.  I arrived at theirs just before 10:30am.

We had a coffee that Dad had made, and waited for my little brother, Richard, to arrive.  In between him arriving and present opening Mum, Dad and I made crumpets for breakfast and were in the middle of eating them when Richard arrived.

We opened our presents after breakfast, Mum loved the bullet journal I had been working on for her, and Richard loved the candle I had made for him (I will be sharing all the presents I made in a future blog post!)

We sat and chatted and watched Arthur Christmas before we had dinner which was really nice.  we ate around 3:30pm.

Dinner was lush, I don’t eat meat so Mum had bought and cooked a lovely walnut, cranberry, sweet potato and spinach nut roast thing for me, we had roast potatoes, roast parsnips, sprouts (my fav!) and carrots with stuffing and a yorkshire pudding!  It was really lovely and super filling.

Once we had eaten dinner we went and sat down and watched “What We Did on Holiday” which has got Billy Connolly in it.  Sam and I were texting through it as he was in London with his family.

After the film we had pudding  – Sticky toffee pudding and custard – it was amazing!

Not long after, I came home and Roxy and I chilled for a bit, watched tv and then went to bed!  It was such a lovely day!

Mums Poinsettia
Presents from the family
Christmas dinosaur from Mum and Dad
Playing with Facebook Messenger filters
Fog in the afternoon at Mum and Dads
I felt stuffed!

My Christmas Wish List

| Suzi Stamp

This Christmas my list mostly consists of craft things and bits for the house with a couple of clothing and jewellery items thrown in!

I’ve recently gotten into candle making so I have a few things that I would like for that, they include…

For the house

Clothes and Accessories

Jewellery

Tools

What’s on your Wish List?

Mental Health And Me – An Update

| Suzi Stamp

This is the first update about my mental health since writing this post, and in the time between that post and this I’ve been to the doctors for a medicine review on the 22nd November.  Thankfully some of the symptoms that I had when starting my medication (Sertraline 50mg) have subsided, the sick feeling still comes and goes but isn’t a persistent feature of day-to-day life, the hot and cold feelings have gone, and the dizzy spells are getting less and less which is good.

I’ve now developed insomnia, which I do get from time to time but never like this, over the space of a few weeks I have not been able to sleep for more than half an hour at a time if at all which is really starting to get me down.  The flip side to this is that when I do sleep, I can sleep for the whole day which has happened a few times now (the latest being sleeping through the whole of sunday 25th November).

I have still been feeling anxious and still have these anxiety attacks along with panic attacks though I can not identify a reason why, perhaps if I could then I would be able to stop them?

I spoke with the dr about all of this, he said it may help to up my medication.  I’m now taking 100mg of Sertraline each day.  I still feel unable to go back to work, mostly because my concentration levels are still really low and I keep forgetting things (like when watching tv, the adverts will come on and I have no idea what I have been watching), I still can’t settle to read a book and I’m finding myself really tired even when I have had a good nights sleep.  All of these things create a frustration in me and I know I would find it difficult in work with these symptoms, and I would end up being angry at myself for not being able to carry out the tasks I need to, taking too much time over completing tasks and generally struggling with the day-to-day things I need to do.

I’m finding it pretty hard to motivate myself to leave the house or even have conversations with people.  I feel like I’ve become a bit of a hermit at the moment.  I did manage to go food shopping at 12:30am on the 21st November…the Asda supermarket by me is open 24 hours and because I couldn’t sleep I decided to put that time to good use.  The supermarket was really quiet with only myself and shelf stackers around.  I got to walk around at my own pace and pay attention to what I was buying.  Usually, if I go in the day time I run around like I’m on supermarket sweep, grabbing things and not thinking about what I need or want in order to get out as fast as I can.  This time I only bought what I needed and didn’t forget anything.

I’ve been taking the higher dosage of medication for the last 3 days and so far have not got any more, or bought back any of the side effects I was experiencing.  I just hope that these will help somewhat!

Happy Birthday Roxy!!!!

| Suzi Stamp

Some of you may have noticed the appearance of a little fuzzy head in some of the photos I have shared on this blog, and today, that little fuzzy head turned 4!

I’ve had Roxy in my life since she was a teeny tiny pup and in that time we have been on many adventures together – camping, festivals, long walks where we get lost in nature and the biggest so far – moving to my own home, just me and her.  She’s my shadow, always beside me wherever I go, whether its laying on the bathroom mat while I have a bath, cuddling up to me on the sofa when I want to read or watch tv, sitting in the kitchen while I cook and clean, she is always there.

She’s funny and sweet, understands more than she lets on, she listens and talks back in that way only dogs and their owners would understand and she brings me so much joy every day.  So today, Roxanne, I’m celebrating you and how wonderful you are!  Happy Birthday Puper!